#37. 15 Years After Syahadah

Our dearest Khaulah,

Assalaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuh.

Fifteen years.
It feels like I just blinked... and here we are.

I embraced Islam on 15 May 2010. I remember how strange and familiar it felt at the same time. Like coming home, even though I didn’t fully know what "home" meant back then. And now, fifteen years later, I’m still discovering it - still opening doors, still finding light, still sometimes sitting in the dark waiting for Allah’s mercy to guide me again.

This letter isn't to celebrate an anniversary. It's not a badge or an achievement. I write this to remember - and to remind myself of what Allah says in Surah Al-Hujurat, verses 16–17:

"Do not inform Allah of your religion - He knows what is in the heavens and the earth."
"They consider it a favor to you that they have accepted Islam. Say, 'Do not consider your Islam a favor to me. Rather, Allah has favored you by guiding you to faith - if you are truthful.'"

These verses hit differently this year.
They remind me - my Islam is not something I gave to Allah.
It is something He gave to me.

There were moments these past 15 years where I thought I had done enough - as if praying, fasting, serving, or teaching were signs of righteousness. But deep down, I knew: even at my best, I was only a servant in need. Not a gift to the religion - but a man saved by it.

Sometimes I look back at who I was before 2010, and it breaks me. But it also humbles me.
Because if Allah can change someone like me, then He can guide anyone. And if He continues to guide me - despite all my weaknesses - then surely, His mercy is far greater than we can imagine.

Khaulah, always remember this:
Islam is not a performance.
It is not an identity badge.
It is not something we "own" or "represent" as if we're doing Allah a favor.
It is a gift, one that He can give - and take - as He wills.

So never feel entitled. Always feel grateful.

My dear daughter, I hope one day you'll read this and understand that even your father - who tried to be strong for you -  is still learning, still repenting, still needing Allah every step of the way.
And I pray that you, too, will always walk with humility in your faith, knowing that you are not better than others, only better than who you were yesterday.

If Allah continues to guide us, that is His favor - not our doing. And if He lets us love Him, even with our flawed hearts, then we are already among the blessed.

With love and prayer,
Ayah.