#37. 15 Years After Syahadah

Our dearest Khaulah,

Assalaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuh.

Fifteen years.
It feels like I just blinked... and here we are.

I embraced Islam on 15 May 2010. I remember how strange and familiar it felt at the same time. Like coming home, even though I didn’t fully know what "home" meant back then. And now, fifteen years later, I’m still discovering it - still opening doors, still finding light, still sometimes sitting in the dark waiting for Allah’s mercy to guide me again.

This letter isn't to celebrate an anniversary. It's not a badge or an achievement. I write this to remember - and to remind myself of what Allah says in Surah Al-Hujurat, verses 16–17:

"Do not inform Allah of your religion - He knows what is in the heavens and the earth."
"They consider it a favor to you that they have accepted Islam. Say, 'Do not consider your Islam a favor to me. Rather, Allah has favored you by guiding you to faith - if you are truthful.'"

These verses hit differently this year.
They remind me - my Islam is not something I gave to Allah.
It is something He gave to me.

There were moments these past 15 years where I thought I had done enough - as if praying, fasting, serving, or teaching were signs of righteousness. But deep down, I knew: even at my best, I was only a servant in need. Not a gift to the religion - but a man saved by it.

Sometimes I look back at who I was before 2010, and it breaks me. But it also humbles me.
Because if Allah can change someone like me, then He can guide anyone. And if He continues to guide me - despite all my weaknesses - then surely, His mercy is far greater than we can imagine.

Khaulah, always remember this:
Islam is not a performance.
It is not an identity badge.
It is not something we "own" or "represent" as if we're doing Allah a favor.
It is a gift, one that He can give - and take - as He wills.

So never feel entitled. Always feel grateful.

My dear daughter, I hope one day you'll read this and understand that even your father - who tried to be strong for you -  is still learning, still repenting, still needing Allah every step of the way.
And I pray that you, too, will always walk with humility in your faith, knowing that you are not better than others, only better than who you were yesterday.

If Allah continues to guide us, that is His favor - not our doing. And if He lets us love Him, even with our flawed hearts, then we are already among the blessed.

With love and prayer,
Ayah.

#36. Decade of Love

Assalaamualaikum WBT

Dear Khaulah,

Happy 10th birthday, our dear croquembouche! It feels like just yesterday you were a tiny baby in our arms, and now look at you—growing into a wonderful young girl with your own dreams and ideas. Watching you grow has been one of the greatest joys of our lives. Each day, you teach us so much about love, curiosity, and the beauty of being true to oneself.

We want you to know how grateful we are for the light you bring into our lives. You have a special way of making every moment brighter, and your laughter is a treasure we hold close to our hearts. As parents, we've learned, and continue to learn, from you. You remind us of the importance of seeing the world through a child's eyes—full of wonder and endless possibilities.

As you step into this new decade, Ayah and Ibu want to share a few pieces of advice that we hold dear:

1.    Be Kind: Always choose kindness, even when it’s hard. A small act of kindness can change someone's day, and sometimes even their life. Remember, kindness is a strength, not a weakness.

2.    Stay True to Yourself: Never be afraid to express who you are. Embrace your uniqueness, and never compare yourself to others. You have your own path, and that path is beautiful.

3.    Learn and Grow: Life is a journey of learning. Embrace every experience, whether it challenges you or brings you joy. Every moment teaches us something valuable.

4.    Practice Patience and Resilience: Life may not always go as planned, but remember to stay steadfast in goodness. In times of trouble, hold on to your values and keep your heart open. Resilience will carry you through challenges.

5.    Cherish Family and Friends: They are the anchors in your life. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, support you, and encourage you to be your best self.

6.    Embrace Islam as Your Guiding Light: Always return to Allah and let your faith guide you in your decisions. The Quran is a treasure trove of wisdom, so turn to it for guidance and inspiration. The examples of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) teach us the importance of compassion, integrity, and perseverance. Strive to embody these qualities in every aspect of your life.

Today, as we celebrate you, we want you to remember that you are deeply loved. We are incredibly proud of the person you are and the person you are becoming.

May this year be filled with laughter, adventure, and all the things that make your heart sing!

May Allah bless you always..

 

With all our love,

Ayah & Ibu.

Note : This letter was published on 28 January 2025, your 10th birthday, in the book Letters to Khaulah. There's another letter from your mom in there too, exclusive only for the book hehe

#35. Life since the last letter

"Oh Ayah, how many more days to Ibu's birthday?" 

 "4 more days" I said 

 "Yayyy~" 

 "Then after that will be Ayah's birthday, and then.. yours~ What do you want for your birthday, Olah?" I asked. 

 "I don't know Yah.. I'm not sure if I will like the same thing when I'm seven years old.." the little you frowned. "Uh oh! But I know what I will always like, I like to play fight with Ayah! nyahaha!"

 * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

 Dear Khaulah, 

Assalaamualaikum WBT. 

 Today is the day that you've been counting everyday, your Ibu's birthday hehe. Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah for allowing us to be together. 

When I wrote you the last letter, your Ibu just flew to KL and a few days later our country was in uproar because the first Covid-19 case was identified in Brunei on March 9, 2020. The schools closed, so you were always by my side for the next few weeks either at home or at the office (where it's walls were full of your drawings haha) The atmosphere of the country was filled with gloom and worry. A month later, we finally able to reunite with your Ibu alhamdulillah. 

For the first 2 weeks, your Ibu had to isolate herself at the guest room downstairs and we had minimal interactions. I still remember how sad and lonely you were because can't interact much with her. Sometimes you sat at the stair outside the door just to chat a little with her, and sometimes you sang the song 'Do you want to build a snowman." Time felt really slow but alhamdulillah your Ibu's swab tests were all negative and soon we can have our family hug again :) The general situation got better too. 

In early May 2020, no new local cases were recorded. Social interactions slowly returning back to normal too, though you did your school mostly online. 

 Then fast forward to earlier this year, everything seemed to be like before the pandemic. Schools opened, gatherings allowed and so on. But in early August, on the day we were organising the 2nd Brunei Peduli Palestin, the first local case after 457 days was announced. So its been more than 3 months already since your school closed Olah. And Ayah only get to go to office this week. The government are slowly loosening the rules since the targetted percentage of vaccination is already achieved. 

 For the past 3 months you've been only staying at home Olah, that the few times we brought you inside the car you got car sick hehe. Hopefully we can meet our families soon. Aamiin. So thats it, the summary of what've been happening since my last letter to you. 

Love, 

Ayah. 

 p/s : uh oh I forgot to mention that I am no longer the President of As-Syahadah Muallaf Youth since April. And now that I'm at another NGO (WeCare), you have a new place and some new friends to play with hehe

#34. A Founding Journey

Dear Khaulah,

Assalaamualaikum WBT.

As I write this letter, we are at home and you are still fast asleep near me. I decided to take a day leave today because you still look unwell.

Today is also our first day together alone as your Ibu flew to KL yesterday for her studies. She will be back in a couple of weeks insyaAllah.

Oh and you are already 5, Olah, may Allah bless you always and grant you a long and barakah life ahead of you. Thank you for always being there for us, leaping around from meetings to meetings, programs to programs, NGOs to NGOs etc.

I am grateful that we get to live like this. I can't imagine what we would be if we just spend what Allah lent to us such as wealth, time, energy and so on solely for ourselves. Only. We might be able to spend so much more time together, or buy things that we want, do whatever things that we want but is that our purpose to live?

On the other hand, living a life to be beneficial and in service of others surely needs sacrifices too. Though there are no sacrifice too big if our aim is mardhatillah.

What is my biggest sacrifice as an activist?

Money? Time? Energy? Ideas?

I don't really know. I don't think I have 'biggest' sacrifice yet. If I do, I think it must be for me to come out from my cave onto the open, interacting with people and step forward to lead. Being me (introvert, phlegmatic, INFP), to move, socializing and leading are the most tiring things in the world.

I'm still not sure about you Olah but your Ibu's personality is actually the direct opposite of me ha ha! She's always on the move, a pure extrovert and leader type. I'm actually so grateful for that, for often times its her energy that made me want to do more in whatever I do.

Soon it will be my 10th anniversary as a Muslim too. I sure ate a lot of dates than what I hoped for at the beginning (have you heard of the story of this sahabah?). Looking back, I never did wished for a life this long when I reverted to Islam. I used to hope to meet Allah as soon as possible before I start to accumulate sins.

But nevertheless, alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for allowing me to give my life in your way. I no longer concern myself with how long, but as long as you are pleased with me in the end, living for another year or a hundred years more means nothing compared to the infinity (hereafter).

Thank you Allah for this journey, letting me to find You, and finding myself in between. A founding journey!


I love you Khaulah,
Ayah.


P/S : Stop picking fight with me and your Ibu each and everyday okay, we know you're a bit lonely but no haha xD

#33. The Founders' Heart

Dear Khaulah,

Assalaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuh.

When was my last letter, again? Sorry if these letters does not come as often as both of us would like. But know that as we watch you grow, we can never thank Allah enough for lending you to us.

For the past few months, I've been thinking to write something as the president of As-Syahadah Reverted Youth, The Founders' Story. This is due to the fact that we feel some of the us need to realign our understanding on why we are here, what we are doing and where we are heading. But it's not that easy also because even though I love what I am doing, I don't really like to talk about myself. There were 3 co-founders of the group, and since I'm elected as the founding president, I will only make sense if I'm the one to talk or write about it.

I was doing my research on what to say and things to point out when out of the blue I was contacted that the nation's TV station wants to make a segment on 'Hijrah' where they basically interview and records one's daily life, and insists that I become one of the subjects. This made me think deeply, Allah must have planned this and this must be for the best, so I took the offer.

It all depends on personality actually, but for me, to step forward serving the group and now agreeing to be in the spotlight is already a sacrifice on my nature. But hey, this life of mine is no longer mine since long ago. If it's to serve a greater purpose then I'm content with it. Same with the others.

I believe that a founder's heart will always be with the group as long as it serves it's purpose.


Love,
Ayah.

#32. Thank You

Dear Khaulah,

Salaam. How are you doing, baby girl? Sorry haven't been writing to you for quite sometime again. Within a blink, now you are already 4 years and 4 months old. Alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah who sent you to us to cool our eyes and adding warmth to our hearts. No matter what happens, know that we will always love you, Khaulah, for the sake of Allah.

Within this lifetime, encounters are bound to happen. People, places, things, atmosphere and so on are the things that we come across that changes us, or be changed by us, for the better or for the worse. And 'people' of course, are usually the most significant. Sometimes, it is these important encounters that later changes our course of life. If we study the lives of the greats, we will learn that behind their greatness are some unnamed or unknown people who played an important role in their strength and success just like Charlie Munger to Warren Buffet, or Syeikh Ahmad bin Ismail to Muhammad al-Fateh, or Nuruddin Zanki to Salahuddin al-Ayyubi and so on.

While the names above are the examples of the people who sparked a large fire of change, in fact, everyone we meet are learning mediums for us be it our classmates, the cleaners, teachers, gardeners etc.

I too have known people who were an important encounter to me, and also those who inspired me to do better, be steadfast, strong and persevere.

As every beginning have its ending, the rising sun will also set, day will become night, a salaam during a meeting will  also followed by the parting salaam. It's just sad that some of these partings were sudden, often without farewells. But hey, perhaps somewhen somewhere somehow someday we will meet again. And to those who I'm on the same road on, please be unyielding on this path. So that we will meet again in a far far better place insyaAllah.

If perhaps in my lifetime I never got the chance to say thank you to everyone I ever met, if it don't burden you so much, please tell them that I am so grateful that they are a part of my life, building up a person who I ever was. First and foremost my parents, siblings and relatives. Then the friends who no matter how long we didn't meet or talk, since primary or middle school, since uni or since the last time I was at work or in any NGO's I've ever in, or any other encounters which were maybe too short to realize or remember, I just want to say : Thank You.

And you too, Khaulah. Thanks for being the best! Not to forget the love of my life, your mom.

Remember, you are always one of two things. If you can't institute change for the better, at least don't become influenced to become less than a person who you're capable of.

Loving you to the moon and back,
Ayah.

#31. Together Again

Dear Khaulah,

Salaam.

Its been a while. We are now just a few days away from the new year 2019. Before I move on to a more complicated topic, I want to say how much I love you for the sake of Allah, and how grateful we are to Him for lending you to us both as a blessing and a huge responsibility.

Sometimes I wonder if you understand whatever I've been saying in my previous letters. I guess it can't be helped, some of them can only be understood if you're threading the same path as us, and our kind and true predecessors which I prayed everyone of us will be steadfast upon.

After years being here, I can't help but to look around for those who've been with me from the start. It was no longer a surprise to find out that almost half of them are no longer with us. But then, that's when memory struck me on how we worked together tirelessly in order to attain our goals and deep down, I prayed that Allah gather us again.

I hope that all of us can keep on holding on no matter how hard the journey becomes, or how big the trials to overcome, because when even in togetherness we are this weak, how strong are we then when we are alone?


Love,
Ayah.