#31. Together Again

Dear Khaulah,

Salaam.

Its been a while. We are now just a few days away from the new year 2019. Before I move on to a more complicated topic, I want to say how much I love you for the sake of Allah, and how grateful we are to Him for lending you to us both as a blessing and a huge responsibility.

Sometimes I wonder if you understand whatever I've been saying in my previous letters. I guess it can't be helped, some of them can only be understood if you're threading the same path as us, and our kind and true predecessors which I prayed everyone of us will be steadfast upon.

After years being here, I can't help but to look around for those who've been with me from the start. It was no longer a surprise to find out that almost half of them are no longer with us. But then, that's when memory struck me on how we worked together tirelessly in order to attain our goals and deep down, I prayed that Allah gather us again.

I hope that all of us can keep on holding on no matter how hard the journey becomes, or how big the trials to overcome, because when even in togetherness we are this weak, how strong are we then when we are alone?


Love,
Ayah.

#30. Tempest in a Coffee Jar

Dear Khaulah, Assalaamu'alaikum wbt.

Sorry for the delay again, I was meaning to write to you a couple of weeks ago but too bad that this is the time of the year where I'm at my busiest schedule at work. To add up, we have a big program coming soon at as-Syahadah too.

Anyhow, alhamdulillah its been one full month since your mom got back home from Shanghai. Being together with both of you made my days brighter. Thank you Allah for lending me Fadilah and Khaulah.

When I was little back at the village, my late grandma used to like drinking hot coffee. The coffee powder were sold in a glass jar. Overtime, we had plenty of jars which was re-used for various things. Its only use that I remember, though, was as my experiment equipment XD I can vividly recall how amused I was when I put water and detergent inside the jar and then I shook it, a cyclone formed inside!

Looking back, there were a few things that we can learn from the experiment. To me back then, or even now, the tempest inside might be just a play thing. But to those beings inside the jar, or the jar itself, the storm within.. is real.

Thats why we can't judge how people should react with whatever tests they are going through, Khaulah. Because people sees different trials differently. Nor should we judge people from how much they are struggling to achieve something or their efforts.

Me for instance, I can struggle as much as I want to change the world, but all the efforts, is but a tempest in a coffee jar. I might not be able to change the world directly, but if this work can change the people who witnessed it to become better, then may Allah accept this as a good deed.

Love,
Ayah.

#29. Your First Pet, Faarisah

Dear Khaulah,

Salaam.

How are you today our reliable baby girl? Alhamdulillah it's already almost one full month since we stayed at home with just the two of us, and tonight we will pick your mom up insyaAllah. I wondered what will you remember about this one particular month. For me, this month sure is a special one to our bond. Both of us miss your mom but within the past 28 days we went through much together. I am delighted to see you grow more reliable, I saw you show more kindness, I saw you put others into consideration. I saw you.

Haha of course there are times when you suddenly cry in the morning and then during dinner explains to me that you cried because you missed your mom. Do you remember what you said everytime I say thank you for being here with me while your mom is away? You said, "Eh mestilaaahh.. karang kalau Khaulah nada, ayah cryyyy" while raising both of your hands near your cheeks

Then last week coincidentally I found a tortoise on the way back to kampong, and yesterday we picked it up and brought it home to Jerudong. You were so happy to meet your first pet and named is Faarisah, like your second name. You seemed ready to accept it as a part of our little family :) I was happy for you too, since when I was little we also used to have some tortoises as family pet. Lets look after Faarisah together, ok?

Can't wait to reunite with your mom later!

Love,
Ayah.

#28. A Father's Tears

Salaam.

My dear reliable Khaulah,

today marks the 6th day your mom flew to Shanghai for a month-long study scholarship. Thank you for being a good and helpful girl while mom's not around. Both of us miss your mom so for now lets work on improving ourselves that she will be surprised hehe.

“A father’s tears and fears" said someone, "are unseen, his love is unexpressed, but his care and protection remains as a pillar of strength throughout our lives.” Yep fathers won't really show his cries but when they do that must be something BIG.

Alhamdulillah yesterday I went to an old friend's reversion ceremony (majlis pengislaman) at his parent's house. It was really heartwarming to see that his dad was so eager with the ceremony that he kept going here and there and ask everyone if everything's okay. That is to be expected though since he invited his good friend, the current minister of culture, youth and sports as the guest of honor.

To cut the story short, the guest of honor turned up then we started the event. Before my friend took his syahadah, I recited the first 14 verses of Surah Taha as the opening of the ceremony with the intention that all the non-muslims who also attended will ponder upon the verses like Saidina Umar did. 

Then my friend took his syahadah and everyone stood up to congratulate him. Only then I witnessed the father's trickling tears as he kissed his son's forehead. The guest of honor congratulated the father and hugged him while he was wiping his tears. I was so touched and can't help to be reminded of my parents during my reversion. The father was the happiest person during the ceremony but also the saddest. Happy because his eldest son will embark to a new way of life that he knew is the right way, while also sad about the end of the current non-muslim-father to non-muslim-son relationship and so he cried. Eventhough its still uncertain, little did he know that this reversion will strengthen the family's bond insyaAllah. May the other family members accepts Islam too.

At the end of the event I managed to spend some time talking with the attendees whom many of them was actually from my father's home village. We suddenly began to converse in Dusun language as soon as they know of my origin. I enjoyed it actually haha because its not everyday I can find people to speak Dusun with.

I've said this before and I will say this again, that as a son, there is nothing in this world that I want more than my parents embracing Islam. Even at the cost of me having to do everything there is to be done. This is me, Khaulah, and what's been burning inside of me since years ago. By the hope of the future, I kept going and by the moments like yesterday I grew more and more determined. May Allah ease our journey, all of us.

With heart full of love,

Ayah.

#27. Field Hockey and Mintonette

Salaam.

Dear Khaulah,

Present dreams are future realities. To some people, what they dreamed of might be far away both in distance and time, like your mom. A far cry from mine, I guess. Don't know if its my personality or I'm just lazy, I think I just don't really have a far place that I yearn to go except for Hajj, nor a big plan for the future. Perhaps this present reality that I'm in is my past dream. Perhaps my dream has always at this present, HERE and NOW.

Anyway, your mom is about to leave for Shanghai soon, for about a month. You should know already by now that you mom has always been the ambitious type ha-ha. Not that I've problems with that though, in fact I am grateful with this difference in personality. Like a phlegm, I'm quite tedious to start moving but when I do, I actually enjoyed it like traveling (your mom always need some time to convince me) xD I'm still wondering what both of us will do within the next month though. Oh and no of course I won't stop your mom from going, everyone of us can dream whatever we want for as long as it is to please Allah. Its just one month anyway, the Hajj pilgrimage is longer. Plus, in your lifetime, some if not all of us will take a leave much much longer and won't be able to return.

So back to the tittle, field hockey and mintonette (volleyball) were my favorite sports during high school and college. I used to represent the school, university and district in both sports alternately. During one of my senior year at the university, I was forced to choose between the two sports in a national level competition. It was a tough choice, the volleyball team consists of veterans while the hockey team mostly consists of my course mates who just learned to play hockey at the uni. Only then I learned that I've loved Volleyball more. Supposedly, I made the correct decision right? Choosing the one that I loved more, that is.

Nope, not really. While the hockey team really needed me as a player back then, the volleyball team actually had enough players. So competing with the veterans for a spot was hard and I was the bench warmer most of the time. That was when I learned a greater lesson that I will never forget, that if there happen to be a clash between two things that you love, choose the one that needed you more. 

Choose the one that will allow you to be of greater benefit to others,
choose the one that authorize you to do more good deeds and reap more pahala from Allah,
be kind to choose the one that needed you more, for without you around maybe they will fall apart,
and above all, choose Allah.

Yours Lovingly,
Ayah.

 

#26. Adong Kamuan Pagun Sawat

Assalaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuh.

Our dearest well-mannered and kind-hearted Khaulah,

I'm here again in my letter to you :) Sometimes I really want to write to you in Malay but I can't seem to remember how to write in Malay besides formal letters at work haha.. So for today I'll just share a Dusun proverb : Adong Kamuan Pagun Sawat which basically means don't forget the abode above / hereafter / akhirah.

Though thinking back, the hereafter that those people refers to might not be the same with the akhirah that we have faith in, Khaulah, but we can still take the hikmah of the proverb itself especially because we are Muslims.

I might have told you somewhere some-when Khaulah that true Muslims are actually those who always keeps akhirah in their mind that Allah said in the Quran,

"But seek the abode of the Hereafter in that which Allah hath given thee and neglect not thy portion of the world, and be thou kind even as Allah hath been kind to thee, and seek not corruption in the earth; lo! Allah loveth not corrupters," [Al-Qasas, 28 : 77]

Yep, that's how much we should strive to be. May us be true Muslims Khaulah, that should anyone wants to give us nasihah it would sounds like, "Kerja dakwah tu buat jua tapi jangan lupa makan."

 Or something like that   It sounds a bit nostalgic though..

As of now, I still think myself as at the former so let me remind myself again, adong kamuan pagun sawat!

Yours Lovingly,

Ayah.

#25. I'll Change The World For You

Salaam.

Dear Khaulah,

Right now you are still fast asleep, enjoying your school holiday and the last 10 days of Ramadhan. I'm having my work leave too so that we can spend time together during your holiday :)

You, your mom, my parents, and everyone that I cared about, were never mine to begin with. We're just some souls who by His decree crossed paths while journeying our purposes. Lucky for us, loving each other is also essential in achieving the said purposes.

Years ago before embracing Islam, I invited my parents to revert together with my eldest brother and me and they declined. The next year, I asked them again to revert with my 3 other siblings and again, they declined. It may be because of other factors too, but from what I can see, one of the main reason was because of how Muslims appeared to them throughout their lives : bad manners, not doing what Islam teaches, taking advantages of other people etc.

Sometimes, it felt like they're hostages. Perhaps Allah will give them guidances if I change the world into something a little bit better : practicing Muslims, more people to talk and invite others to Islam, Muslims who treated other people with splendid manners, who are kind and genuinely shows what being a Muslim is like. Thats what I thought and just thinking about it makes me fired up to do something even more. Don't get me wrong though, I do believe that Allah gives guidances to whomever He desires. If things ends not the way I wanted and worked so hard for, then at least I hope I can say, "O Allah, I did my part."

You know Khaulah, if Allah allows me, you don't have to change for this world because I'll change the world for you too.

Because I love you,
Ayah.

#24. Hopelessly Phlegmatic

Dear Khaulah,

Assalaamu'alaikum wbt. How are you today? I pray to Allah that everything is well for you, Khaulah. And your mom too.

Today marks the 8th years I embraced Islam. Being the most important date in my life, more than anything else, actually I did forgot about this date a few times in years before. All of the times I forgot about it were during programs where my focus were on getting something from the programs or in making sure the program runs as smooth as it can. After all, I'm an introvert who gets tired and drained every time having to deal with other people, physically and mentally. Well, of course the extroverts won't understand this, the same like we introverts don't understand their conditions. Do 'if I can't even remember to eat, how can I remember other things' helps to explain things well?

But that can still be an excuse though. Being a Phlegmatic to the bone, I don't really get enthused about anything. Nor do I deeply saddened by anything. You can ask my Mom about it, she was the one who got irritated the most by my 'accidental' indifference. Even before becoming Muslim, I was the "if I wake up again tomorrow then its good, but one of these days I won't" type of person. Alhamdulillah, Islam did somehow changed me a bit regarding this matter. Sorry Mom, it must be worrisome raising me up ':D

Anyhoo, back to today, like my birthday, it doesn't really matter if people remember or not, let alone giving presents. But if I'm to be given a gift, being home with our family is enough. Or the bountiful one would be an hour or two of sitting near the beach, gazing at the sea and the sky while looking back and asking myself: for the past eight years, what have I done and what have I accomplished?

Though I know its not that much, its a life worth reliving.

I think.

Aaaand finally, Ramadhan will be here soon in sya Allah. So soon that it might be later this evening. I pray to Allah that we, especially myself, can take this opportunity to become closer to Him. Lets try our best, Khaulah, and do better than last year which was a bit challenging.

Yours Lovingly,
Ayah

#23. Tortoises

In the name of Allah, The Most Merciful, The Most Beneficent.

Assalaamu'alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuh.

Dear Khaulah,

In a few more days you will be 3 years and 3 months old. Right now you are attending your kindergarten in the morning and daycare in the afternoon. Your mom and me really do hope that this is the best for you, Khaulah, for we were raised differently and we can't raise you up the way we were.

Back in our days in the village, we only begun attending school at 5 or 6 years old as preschoolers. Before that we would just stay at home accompanying our elders to anywhere they go haha.. especially to the hut in the farm. We even lived there for a few days per week, one of the sweetest memory ever! Back then there were no electricity and car, let alone gadgets that we have now. So what do we do instead? We catch fish, we grow fruits and vegetables, we play in the rain (which often dragged to the mud and eventually get scolded by mum) and we go to the houses of neighbors and relatives. I remember walking with my late grandmother to a house about 5km away when I was 4 years old. A habit that I kept even during early years of living at the hostel in middle school.

Oh back to now, we can see that you really like to play with the 'turtles' at your daycare, Khaulah. Haha those pair were actually tortoises. Oh anyway, do you know that tortoises, if taken care correctly, will often outlive their caretakers? Someone once wrote that it is humbling to care for an animal that reminds you, each day, of your own imminent death. Talking about them with you really made me lost in thought..

Ever since I embraced Islam, I tried as much to do works for Islam throughout this short life, and meeting individuals, men or women, whom I believe to walk the same path. But like a tortoise, as years passed, it's sad to see many of my friends fell... at the university, back at the district and now here. At the same time I'm scared that I might fail too. I just can't imagine living away from this path. What kind of life would it be? Is there any meaning in living that way? Is it because I am like a tortoise that I am still here? I know that I'm a bit slow, boring, don't have personality and don't really do anything, things you need to consider if you want to take tortoises as pet':D I pray to Allah to keep us steadfast on this long road and make those who fell stand up and return to His path.

Right now I do feel old, Khaulah, going through each experience slowly while looking back at what my parents went through while raising me too. Do you still remember a few days ago you wanted to buy milk and I said I have no money? You cried so hard that I felt really guilty and bought it for you anyway, with the money to buy you your lunch. I won't be mad at you though because as I said, I made my parents did the same thing on a more expensive thing! Gotta say sorry and thank them for that hehe.. I'll just need to expect more to come xD

Uh oh finally, all these discussions regarding furthering my studies abroad is making me anxious. With my role at the Muallaf Youth Club, which I think is a thing that only me can do, I can't just carelessly leave all the hard work of many people go wasted. That's why I left the other teams to begin with, though in secrecy I always keep tabs on their updates. Lets pray that Allah gives us what best for our dunia and akhirah. Aameen.

Love,
Dad.

#22. Heart-to-heart

In the name of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful

Assalaamu'alaikum WBT.

Dear Khaulah,

Have you come across this quote yet?

"If words come out of the heart, they will enter the heart, but if they come from the tongue, they will not pass beyond the ears." - Al-Suhrawardi

I believe it's not just words that will reach other hearts if they originated from our heart, meseems that actions too, will touch others if they come from one who is sincere. That's what we were taught when learning the journey of our beloved prophet Muhammad SAW.

This morning, I was surprised by a call from your teacher who requested me to come to your school. "Did something happened?" I asked. "Please come to the school and we will explain," she said. I was anxious while driving your way. Did an accident occurred? Did something bad befell you? Or did you somehow hurt your schoolmate? Well, out of the three questions, I'm afraid the latter the most.

As soon as I entered the office, there you were, sitting quietly near your teacher's desk, with your right eye tainted red. I was relieved to see you in one piece, and you alone. Your teacher explained that one of your classmates somehow poked his pencil to your eye. I am grateful to Allah that the injury is not serious, Alhamdulillah, Thank You Allah! Then in the car you keep on talking haha.. I guess you're okay then, Khaulah. I'm proud to hear that you were patient and did not get back at your friend.  Right now I'm more worried about your friend though, how did he fare? Afterall, I did accidentally poked my teacher's eye with a sharp stick during the end of primary five. It was bad that he can't open his right eye for a few days. I knew it was my fault but back then some teachers sure knew how to make me feel guilty for another whole year  ':D

"Over a drop of ink, a whole pot of milk became contaminated," they said.

It was through the understanding words and actions of some other teachers that I can cope and determined to behave better.

Nobody likes to make mistakes, Khaulah. And making it harder on them by blaming them and keep on reminding them of it won't solve the problem. Lets just say that they paid a huge price for a lesson that they will never forget. I paid the lesson back then with 5 years reputation, if you get what I mean haha :'D

Be kind.

Be understanding.

Be keen to help people.

Express kind words and actions with sincere heart.

YOU have the power to make yourself and other people a better person, and make the world a better place.

And through it, may Allah reunites us again in Jannah. Aameen.


Yours Lovingly,
Dad.

#21. Kingdom

Dear Khaulah, Assalaamu'alaikum WBT.

How are you baby girl? These days we sure love to hear your bubbliness. Sorry if we ever fell asleep in between though haha.. Hmm lets see what should we talk about today..

A couple of weeks ago we managed to spend 3 days at my parents house during the Chinese New Year celebration. I was elated to return actually, spending time with my parents, meeting old friends and all.. Then the next Thursday we went early to the village because the Surau are having Doa Selamat after Maghrib in conjunction of the country's National Day. Actually all Masjids and surau are having that ceremony but I felt its been too long since I last involved with the surau's community back home. I was so happy to be able to spend some time with them and I can see that they were delighted that I was there that they asked me to lead the recital and be the imam for 'Isya. An old friend, whose been the bilal even before I reverted to Islam told me that they know I missed spending time there and that they understand my situation.

Later that night, I went through the longest dream that I ever had. I guess I really missed that place immensely; the village and the surau and the dusun-ly atmosphere. After all, what kind of man who does not long for his own homeland, his own kingdom?

Oh back to the lengthy dream, I dreamt of 3 deaths happened one by one in front of me :

The first one was the demise of an acquaintance whom I barely know, but dear to one of your mom's siblings. I can feel my own sadness seeing it.

The second one was the death of a friend whom I no longer managed to spend time with, then I saw the empty spot where he used to eat and the me in the dream cried.

The last one was the death of the old friend that I spoke of above. I went through all the flashbacks since more than 23 years ago before I finally hugged him while weeping. I suddenly woke up because of the wet pillow and it was already time for the call of Subuh prayer. The next days, I kept on pondering about the dream. Its just too much information and even though its just a dream, the gloomy feeling still lingers until today.

The lessons are obvious, isn't it Khaulah? Speak them to me later then if I'm still around. See if I still remembers it because I'm getting lazy to write haha..

Loving you each and every day,
Dad.

#20. Your Third

Dear Khaulah,

Assalaamualaikum WBT.

This will be a short one because in 5 minutes my colleagues and I will be off to a work visit hehe.. I just want to say happy belated birthday Khaulah. Thank you for being in the family :) We are grateful to Allah for sending such an amazing little girl to us. Still can't get over your birthday celebration yesterday T.T Can't help but to look back everything that we went through together since you're in your mom's belly.

Oops 5 minutes is over, got to go Khaulah. Thank you again.

Yours lovingly,
Dad.

#19. Letters to Sam

Dear Khaulah,

Assalaamualaikum WBT.

How have you been baby girl? Sometimes writing to you feels like I'm travelling through time - at one time to the future when you are reading this, and at another to your past when this letter was written. Our nows might be different in this alphabet world but know that we will always love you the same in sya Allah.

I can see that you love books, Khaulah. That makes three of us for now haha.. I always loved reading books since young and collecting them too. It's called bibliophile. Right now I'm still struggling to regain that enthusiasm though..

One of the book that I used to have was 'Letters to Sam', a book comprises of letters from a quadriplegic man to his autistic grandson, Sam. In one letter, I remember the man talked about something in the line of accepting one's shortcomings. The man, deprived of his four limbs always felt sad because other people seems to be so harsh on him driving very slowly - honked, frowned upon etc. One day he began to use the emergency light while driving very slow as usual and as a result, he experienced a totally different thing. Suddenly people seems to understand the situation and every once in a while some stranger would just wave their hand and smile while taking him over.

Khaulah, we can't hope that everyone understands us - our situations, our struggles, our shortcomings, the extremes of things we felt be it happiness or sadness, be it contentment or pain, but we can try to be more lenient, can't we? Give the emergency signals when necessary. You may think that you can handle things that is going on hence you don't need it, but to some people especially me and your mom, as your parents and friends, it will pain us too if we don't know what happened and what we can do to help. Open up a bit to those who care for you, the same goes for me too haha.. afterall, I too, don't really like explaining myself each and every time.

Oh and always do that thing that you always do okay? Ask help from Allah.

Love,
Dad.

#18. The Season

Dear Khaulah,

Assalaamu'alaikum WBT.

Sorry for the long absence. It'll be a bit hard for me to recap all the things that happened within these past few months since my last letter to you in October, but I'll try haha.. Oh by the way, happy new year Khaulah. Its the Durian season again right now so it's a new new-year experience for me since the Durian season was never during this time of the year before.

This year, alhamdulillah the Durian garden at my parent's house bears fruit again for the first time after 3 years. The experience going down and around the small valley around the house, walking slowly while keeping an eye for the thorny fruit is very nostalgic for me. But this time, I needed to look harder with this blurry vision.

Oh before I forget, let me just summarise what had happened since my last letter. Last November was a bit hectic for me at work, then we had vacation in December. We went to Sabah with a few family members from my side and we manage to visit some interesting places. Then a few days after returning home, you spent your last day at the daycare. I know you are clueless at that time seeing your teachers and mom tearing up. I felt sad too but hey when I asked you how you feel of no longer going to school you said, "Inda, Khaulah inda sedih. Khaulah happy pasal inda lagi school." HAHA YOU WILL SOON. In a few days time you will attend an orientation session at your new school.

I think thats it for now, Khaulah. I'm actually wanting to write about something but it will be long. So in the next letter perhaps. In Sya Allah.

Yours lovingly,
Dad